When “No” isn’t the Right Answer

The holidays are quickly approaching! For some, this month gives cause to celebrate; for others, December feels like a time to hide. It’s easy to see why: expectations ride high and deadlines are tight. If you’re not careful, it’s a recipe for overwhelm.

How can we sidestep the urge to hibernate for the month of December? Often, it boils down to one’s ability to say “no.” Most women, for example, have been trained to be “people pleasers.” Although there are wonderful intentions behind this, it often comes down to feeling uncomfortable with the possibility of upsetting someone. And I think we can all agree that operating from this kind of fear isn’t an ideal way to make a decision.

Turning Things Around

Before we can turn the behavior around, we need to turn the belief around. For example, let’s say you’ve received an invitation you’d prefer to decline. It’s tempting to think the host will feel rejected when you turn down his invitation. But what if you chose the perspective that you’re just passing on this particular opportunity? Not forever – just this time. Would this change how you feel about “taking a pass?” You might find it leaves you able to say “no” when it makes sense, minus the dread. If you manage your emotions effectively and decline respectfully, the host is likely to receive it the way you intended and assume you’re passing on the function – not them personally.

But what if the host won’t let it go? What if they insist you change your mind or ask what you’re doing that makes you unavailable? Well, then it’s time for “Assertiveness 101.” Here are three fundamental techniques that allow you to graciously hold your ground:

1. Broken Record – repeat your position as many times as necessary, simply and respectfully. You can paraphrase, change the emphasis or vary the tone, but essentially, keep sending the same message over and over, no matter the response. Also, avoid engaging “why” questions.
2. Toddler Talk – remember when you were little and you’d say “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,” over and over until you got her attention? Then she’d say something like, “Honey, Mommy’s busy right now; so either go get Daddy to help you or wait until I’m off the phone.” Believe it or not, this kind of response works equally well with adults (as long as it’s delivered respectfully): offer a couple alternatives you can get behind. If the other party persists, be a Broken Record.
3. “I Feel/I Want” Statements – name what’s happening in a healthy way by conveying what you feel and want, rather than pointing a finger. So, instead of “You’re a louse for forcing me to go to your work party,” try “I feel pressed when you tell me I need to go to your work party, and I want a little more time to think about whether I can swing it.” Notice the first version is accusatory and puts the other person on the defensive, while the second simply names how the other person’s choices impact you, in a constructive and courteous way.

As they say, “There’s no time like the present” to hone your assertiveness skills. So, the next time you’re tempted to pull the covers over your head rather than leap into December’s festivities, take one of these techniques for a spin. Before you know it, you’ll have successfully navigated another holiday season and be ready to launch into January with your newfound assertiveness!