The holidays are quickly approaching! For some, this month gives cause to celebrate; for others, December feels like a time to hide. It’s easy to see why: expectations ride high and deadlines are tight. If you’re not careful, it’s a recipe for overwhelm.

How can we sidestep the urge to hibernate for the month of December? Often, it boils down to one’s ability to say “no.” Most women, for example, have been trained to be “people pleasers.” Although there are wonderful intentions behind this, it often comes down to feeling uncomfortable with the possibility of upsetting someone. And I think we can all agree that operating from this kind of fear isn’t an ideal way to make a decision.

Turning Things Around

Before we can turn the behavior around, we need to turn the belief around. For example, let’s say you’ve received an invitation you’d prefer to decline. It’s tempting to think the host will feel rejected when you turn down his invitation. But what if you chose the perspective that you’re just passing on this particular opportunity? Not forever – just this time. Would this change how you feel about “taking a pass?” You might find it leaves you able to say “no” when it makes sense, minus the dread. If you manage your emotions effectively and decline respectfully, the host is likely to receive it the way you intended and assume you’re passing on the function – not them personally.

But what if the host won’t let it go? What if they insist you change your mind or ask what you’re doing that makes you unavailable? Well, then it’s time for “Assertiveness 101.” Here are three fundamental techniques that allow you to graciously hold your ground:

1. Broken Record – repeat your position as many times as necessary, simply and respectfully. You can paraphrase, change the emphasis or vary the tone, but essentially, keep sending the same message over and over, no matter the response. Also, avoid engaging “why” questions.
2. Toddler Talk – remember when you were little and you’d say “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,” over and over until you got her attention? Then she’d say something like, “Honey, Mommy’s busy right now; so either go get Daddy to help you or wait until I’m off the phone.” Believe it or not, this kind of response works equally well with adults (as long as it’s delivered respectfully): offer a couple alternatives you can get behind. If the other party persists, be a Broken Record.
3. “I Feel/I Want” Statements – name what’s happening in a healthy way by conveying what you feel and want, rather than pointing a finger. So, instead of “You’re a louse for forcing me to go to your work party,” try “I feel pressed when you tell me I need to go to your work party, and I want a little more time to think about whether I can swing it.” Notice the first version is accusatory and puts the other person on the defensive, while the second simply names how the other person’s choices impact you, in a constructive and courteous way.

As they say, “There’s no time like the present” to hone your assertiveness skills. So, the next time you’re tempted to pull the covers over your head rather than leap into December’s festivities, take one of these techniques for a spin. Before you know it, you’ll have successfully navigated another holiday season and be ready to launch into January with your newfound assertiveness!

November: a time of fallen leaves and sometimes, equally fallen pumpkin soufflé. Whether it’s a ruined turkey, unexpected guests or recurring family issues, we can all admit Thanksgiving provides numerous opportunities for tension and upset. While there isn’t much we can do to prevent these little “surprises,” there’s a whole lot we can do to make sure they don’t emotionally hijack us or our holiday.

No matter how much you plan and prepare, there will be moments when the unexpected comes to pass. But it’s not what happens that determines whether a holiday event succeeds or sours. It’s not even how you react that’s crucial; rather, it’s how you respond that determines whether the day is salvaged.

So, if you discover after 4 hours of “cooking” the turkey, that you forgot to turn on the oven, do you wail or work on “Plan B?” Or when Aunt Mildred unexpectedly shows up to dinner with her entire bridge group in tow, do you work it out or work her over? In every scenario, you have options. And depending on your ability to see beyond the “black or white” of a situation, you’ll either scare up your natural resourcefulness or you’ll just plain scare your guests!

“Tears are the best indication of where our work is.”
~ Carl Jung

Whether you get angry, upset or frustrated, what surfaces under duress is there to help you understand what parts of your life need attention. At times like this, it’s crucial to remember that we always have choices and that all isn’t lost, unless we give up.

So, when the unexpected lands at your family gathering, remember that you’re naturally creative, resourceful and whole. Let this confidence give you a nudge to select a more empowering perspective. Brainstorm some options. Choose one that suits you and your situation.

Getting eleven dishes, simultaneously hot, onto the holiday table can be enough to inspire tears and consternation – there’s no need to submit to defensiveness, denial or destructiveness all the while. Remember that we’ve already got what it takes to come up with a productive solution that preserves harmony and sanity alike. And that’s something for which I give great thanks.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
~Socrates

Got your attention, didn’t I? Rest assured, I won’t stoop to further cheap Halloween references for the remainder of this issue. Much. But behind the spellbinding title lies an honest-to-goodness debate: “Habit vs. Choice” (which, I’ll admit, doesn’t sound nearly as spellbinding).

As a rule, human beings love habit and loathe change. And habits aren’t necessarily a bad thing – they’re one of the ways we make sense of the world. However, we stumble into trouble if we don’t regularly examine whether we’re still benefiting from them. When that kind of trouble materializes, we’re likely to fall prey to what I’ll call The Zombie Groove.

What’s that, you say?

In short, it’s about unconscious living. It happens when we walk through life on autopilot, blindly going about our daily grind. In this state, we’re unaware that we’re making choices, even when our choice is NOT to choose. And while we’ve all “phoned it in” at one time or another, some of us allow The Zombie Groove to work its black magic, unimpeded, to the point where it permeates our lives. All too often, this comes at a ghastly cost: deadening of the spirit and loss of life potential.

How to escape “Zombification?” By cutting your own groove! (more…)

“Life doesn’t require that we be the best, only that we try our best.
~H. Jackson Brown

Back to school! Whether you’re a student enrolled in school or a perpetual “student of life,” this time of year brings anticipation, excitement and the thrill of new adventure.

There’s something about September that makes us feel like cracking open a clean notebook and getting to write on the pages of life with renewed vigor. I’ve noticed that, no matter their age, most people arrive at the beginning of Fall revived, rejuvenated and raring to go.

But, raring to go where? Anywhere. Or, more precisely: anywhere they feel called to invest their “life currency” (where time + energy = life currency). We typically only get one “Back-to-School” opportunity each year – a rare chance to forward our life’s mission. So, it makes sense that we should devote these precious resources to activities that align with our values.

An Experiment

What would happen if you really put one of your core values “front and center?” (more…)

It’s not hard work that wears you out, but the repression of your true personality.

~Frances Hesselbein

There’s nothing like the ol’ “odometer click” to get you thinking about how you’ve spent one of the 100 or so trips around the sun we each take (if we’re lucky!). For me, this happens every August. I invite you to try on the following three questions I always ask myself on this day:

• How’d last year size up?
• Were you fulfilled in your work?
• Were your days filled with meaningful activity and significant interaction with loved ones?

If you answered the last two questions with anything less than “plenty,” consider this a friendly tap on the shoulder to remind you that “the days are long, but the years are short.*” And if, like most people, you aspire to “a life well-lived,” I ask you: if not now, when?

Getting Your Dreams Out in the Open

Sure, there’s plenty of unhappiness in the world. Hopefully, not so much in yours. Even so, there’s always room for improvement. (more…)

The Lazy Days of Summer

Now that we Northern Hemispherians are experiencing summer’s full embrace, I like to consider July a chance to “press pause” on the hectic pace of life, if only briefly.

The downtime is refreshing. For many people, summer’s a time to do what they want, catch up on things they’ve let slide, and of course, get out and enjoy the warm weather. But with a little down time, the mind can sometimes wander to the realm of unrealized dreams and forgotten hopes. It can even leave one feeling discouraged.

As a result, it’s easy to get trapped in a “scarcity mindset:”

• “I don’t have a chance at that.”
• “I don’t have time to really go for it.”
• “I don’t have the resources to make a serious run of it.”

Regain Your Footing

If this “internal soundtrack” sounds familiar, rest assured you’re not alone – everyone’s found themselves in this spot at some point. It can be hard to see “out of the box” at times like this, so here are a couple of helpful strategies (more…)

In the previous issue, we discussed the role of resilience and identified ways to become more resilient. Yet resilience is only one piece of the puzzle when it comes to achieving your vision.

In this issue, we focus on two supporting concepts: risk evaluation and risk tolerance. To produce lasting and meaningful change, we need to be willing to take risks, but perhaps more importantly, to feel comfortable determining which risks are worth taking.

As it turns out, resilience, risk evaluation and risk tolerance all work in concert:

• As you become more resilient, you repeatedly “prove” to yourself that you can bounce back if things don’t go your way, and this increases your risk tolerance.
• As you get better at evaluating risk, you begin to trust your assessment of the situation. This confidence allows your risk tolerance to grow.

As all three areas improve, they work as a powerful team. (more…)

I haven’t failed. I’ve identified 10,000 ways this doesn’t work.

-Thomas Edison

“Who are you?”

Everyone asks themselves this question sooner or later, whether they happen to be a famous 70′s rock band or not. Whether you see it as an opportunity to know yourself better or as a nagging, burdensome sign of an impending mid-life crisis, the quest for self-discovery is an inevitable part of life’s journey.

In terms of feeling happy and fulfilled, how we address the question is at least as important as what we learn when we look inward. Some people will judge themselves to have “measured up;” others will decide they’ve “come up short.” Some will blame “circumstances” (or other people) if they haven’t accomplished what they’d hoped. And some know they’ll make the most of where they are and what they’ve got – whether their self-assessment comes out glowing, or a little lackluster.

What does this last group see that the rest of us don’t? (more…)