“It’s already December?” is a common utterance this time of year. It hardly seems possible to think an entire year has passed since the last holiday season, yet here we are. Here, too, are the frantic shopping trips, madness at the mall and hectic days of baking, cooking, cleaning and decorating. And let’s not forget the wrapping, work parties, parties at friends’ house, parties for friends at your house… shall I go on?

It’s an exciting time of year, to be sure. All the same, with so much do-ing, our be-ing is often left to cope with the consequences of all that busy-ness. This can leave us feeling “out of alignment” – drained and bottomed out – lacking energy when we need it most.

The good news is that we remain at choice. And for some, noticing that “bottoming out” feeling is enough to raise awareness of ways we can take better care of ourselves, engaging only in what truly matters. For many people, the antidote to feeling tapped out is to clear the decks and funnel their energy into helping others.

On the surface, that might not seem to make sense. How can we find energy to give, when it already feels like there’s not enough energy to manage our own lives? (more…)

Last month, we discussed how to overcome resistance through listening and validating, rather than through persuasion and convincing “arguments.” Since then, I’ve received a number of questions asking specifically how to listen and validate effectively, so we’ll be devoting this issue to some specific techniques that are helpful in most any circumstance.

Step One: Active Listening

At the first whiff of resistance, resolve to remain an active listener.

In other words, reflect what is being said and no more – either paraphrase or echo what you’re hearing, word for word. If you’re met with a nodding head or other positive body language, this is an invitation to continue to Step Two.

If you’d prefer an explicit confirmation that you’re on target, or if you don’t receive signals that your reflection is accurate, stop and ask whether you’ve understood correctly. For example: (more…)

Resistance. We’ve all encountered it. What we do when we encounter resistance determines whether we ultimately drive it deeper or dissolve it. Most of us, when seeing the “error of someone’s ways,” want to persuade that person to change his or her perspective. Typically, though, this only increases the resistance we are trying to eliminate.

An Example

Case in point: I once supervised a student teacher who, very early in the semester, was convinced that his cooperating teacher didn’t know how to teach. Based on this assessment of his mentor, Lyle (not his real name, of course) felt it would be a waste of his time to complete the placement. Over the first few weeks, I made a number of suggestions to help him improve his situation – all of which seemed to fall on deaf ears. In fact, every time I asked him how the placement was going, he became increasingly adamant that there was nothing to be done and that we’d have to chalk up his student teaching experience as a total loss.

Looking back at my nearly ten years as a supervisor, I had encountered a number of student teachers who were unsure of their professional mentors. However, I’d always been able to help them resuscitate the assignment. But Lyle dug in his heels: from where he stood, I couldn’t possibly come up with an idea that would help the situation.

Finally, it dawned on me: he wouldn’t be able to hear my perspective, until he felt I’d heard his. (more…)

Happy New Year! Well, in terms of the academic year, at least. Maybe our kids remind us what this time of year is about. Or maybe we think back on how we felt as we approached the start of a new school year. It’s a time for new beginnings, a clean slate – a time to stretch our wings and try out for the school play, varsity basketball or math club.

For those of us who are a few years away from our school days (or perhaps more than a few), this time of year still inspires an itch to widen horizons and try something new. Whether it makes us want to sign up for a class, look for a new job or join a book club, fall reminds many of us that there’s some larnin’ right around the corner.

It’s certainly exciting to think about mastering a new hobby or learning a new skill. These pursuits not only help us grow new connections in our brains (literally!), but help grow us as well. And when we stretch to sharpen our skills, we evolve as people at the same time. Confidence and fulfillment blossom with new learning. Not to mention, when we embark on a new path, we generate excitement and opportunity in our lives.

Even if our “new path” doesn’t pan out to be our next career or passion, we’re able to cross it off the list and move on to other interests. In that way, it’s just as important to know what you’re no longer interested in as it is to know what leaves you wanting more.

Consider the following, as you decide what new experiences you’re ready to invite into your life:

• What does this “new year” mean for you?
• What have you always wanted to try if you had more time?
• What obstacles stand in the way of your pursuing this now?
• What could you do right now to move this dream forward?

Shake off those summer lulls and dive in. ”Back to school” isn’t just for kids! It’s time to get off the couch and expand your skills, your mind and your horizons. There’s no time like the present to give yourself the gift of learning. Infuse your life with energy, as you embark on your new adventure, and the rest of your life will take on a new hue to boot. After all, who ever said youth is reserved for the young?

Are any uninvited guests leasing space in your head?

If your peace of mind depends on someone else’s actions, that person controls you. And in my book, that’s no recipe for Sound Living. The first step toward “evicting” that voice in your head is to become more aware of it. In other words, your reaction starts and ends with you.

Most of us have seen what happens when someone’s well-being or comfort was overly dependent on others. An example I heard about from a colleague:

Picture a woman sitting on a packed plane, becoming increasingly annoyed at another passenger’s three unsuccessful attempts to stuff an oversized bag in the overhead bin. She starts a running commentary in her head: he should have gotten on the plane earlier; he packed too much; he was holding up the line. One hitch: he’d heard none of this. She, however, had worked herself into a full-blown tizzy. And for what?

In the end, the woman’s reaction neither changed the situation in the present, nor its likelihood of happening again in the future. The only thing it produced was angst and possibly, higher blood pressure. The longer she muttered on about the “irresponsible passenger,” the greater her annoyance. How might this have gone differently if her well-being did not depend on the cooperation (or even involvement) of said “irresponsible passenger?” (more…)

Just the other day, I had another person tell me all they want to do is work at Google. I get this one a lot, so I’ve started asking why. The response usually focuses on one of the following:

• “Because it’s fun.”
• “They really support you.”
• “They give you room to be yourself.”

I also usually hear:

• “… and they have great perks.”

It makes sense – Google offers great health care, child care, flex time, generous compensation and more. Who wouldn’t want all that? But the perks aren’t usually what people mention first. More often than not, their comments center around the level of freedom and trust the organization extends their employees.

And rightly so. Google has very carefully created an environment where exceptionally talented people are encouraged to showcase their strengths and devote time to innovation – that is, to develop projects “off the beaten path.” And as long as project deadlines are met, the fact that a developer works from home one morning or “borrows” two hours to manage a family obligation, doesn’t matter.

Moreover, “hobby” projects are built in to project schedules, with developers devoting 20% of their time to following novel concepts, impulses and ideas to their natural ends. A number of these “spare time” initiatives have even become important Google products. Google’s not the only company fostering this atmosphere of freedom, trust and innovation, nor were they the first (3M has had its own “15% solution” since the 1950′s – an endeavor which produced both Scotch Tape and Post-Its). (more…)

Marketers say it typically takes 7 or 8 “touches” before someone is willing to make a large purchase. Today I want to share with you how this concept applies not only to the sale of products and services, but also to incorporating wisdom into our lives.

I’m sure we’re all familiar with the way a sound piece of advice can go in one ear and out the other, until we hear it for the eleventeenth time. I can certainly relate – in fact, I can’t count the number of times this has happened to me. Whether I’m stubborn, or just a little dense, the point is, I usually “get it” when the time is right – no sooner, no later.

I’m convinced the reason we don’t “see the light” earlier is that we simply can’t – yet. It might be because it’s not yet relevant (or relevant enough) in our lives. Or maybe we didn’t really listen until the eighteenth time. It could even be that we didn’t understand it until that very moment. Whatever the case, I’ve found it’s nearly impossible to rush this process; it will unfold as it’s meant to. And until then, we can have faith that when it does, the time will be right.

Not long ago, I watched a friend struggle to make healthy choices in her primary relationship. I struggled not to intervene – after all, I’d just be “helping her see,” wouldn’t I? (more…)

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” – Lao Tsu

I admit it: I’m a quote hound. People who know me know that. But what a lot of them don’t know is that occasionally (very occasionally), something quote-worthy streams out of my mouth. The problem is, I usually don’t realize it until someone points it out to me.

Case in point: the other week, I’m wrapping up a coaching session, and we’re discussing how to hold boundaries and surrender the notions of perfection and control. In an attempt to synthesize the exchange, I offer “So remember: when you say no or let go, you allow new to flood in.”

My client is silent for a few moments, and then says “I’m writing this down… that’s powerful. ” Afterward, I think “Good,” but then immediately wonder “What’d I say again?” My first impulse was to double-check my mental archives to be sure I didn’t unwittingly poach that from someone else… (more…)