Jennifer Aniston has one. Oprah has one. Heck, even George Clooney has one. Seems like every celebrity has a personal assistant. Ever wonder what it would be like to have one — not just on the job, but at home as well?

The bad news is that, short of a giant windfall or inheritance, hiring a PA is a bit out of reach for most of us. The good news is that you, too, can get the help you need by doing two things – neither of which will cost you a penny:

Name It

I know. You heard it all before, right? But have you done it? (For the uninitiated, you can read more about “naming it” in this post from August 2006).

We’re all busy. Other people don’t have time for their stuff, much less your stuff, right? I can almost hear you saying things like, “I would feel like I was imposing… what if they expected me to do the same in return?”

B’blah. Pshaw. Fiddlesticks.

The truth of the matter is that people are hungry to help. There’s only one hitch: you can only take advantage of this kind of assistance if you get over your “I-couldn’t-possibly-” inner critic. Because you very possibly could. And you ought to consider the benefits: generally, people love to help others – you know this! If the situation were reversed, you’d love to support a friend in need, wouldn’t you? (more…)

In school, students offer up a litany of excuses for missing homework. In medicine, patients offer a multitude of reasons for not complying with “doctor’s orders.” In coaching, clients wrestle with what I call “Dontdareitis” – as in “I don’t dare say that because it might upset her” or “I don’t dare do that because he might take it the wrong way.” Don’t look this up in the DSM-IV. I made it up.

But who hasn’t found themselves in a prickly situation because of this sort of thing? Let’s say, for example, you think you ought to do X for another person. You assume X is their expectation.

You don’t actually want to do X, but you sublimate your own needs and do X anyway (perhaps abandoning your better instincts). Isn’t that how we were brought up? To be thoughtful in word and deed? To be considerate of others?

It would seem so. But remember – you predicted what the other person would feel. Your choice to be “helpful” was based on feelings you assigned to the other person rather than feelings they actually communicated. We’ve all done this; we tell ourselves stories. (more…)

Appealing to my “Inner Andy Rooney,” I ask: do you ever wonder how we continue to generate enough conflict in this country that we can keep 735,000† attorneys in business?

The fact that we need this much help resolving our differences probably shouldn’t surprise us. We need look no further than the nearest grade-school classroom to teach us about ourselves. The behavior of children often serves as a surprisingly accurate mirror of our society’s values and beliefs. The following exchange, heard between two fourth graders, illustrates the point nicely:

Boy #1: You’re in my seat.
Boy #2: It’s my seat.
Boy #1: No it’s not.
Boy #2: You got up.
Boy #1: So what?
Boy #2: It’s not yours anymore.
Boy #1: That’s not fair.
Boy #2: Yes it is.
Boy #1: I’m telling.

What typically happens next? The teacher (or any other nearby adult) intervenes. One child wins, and the other loses. The responsibility for resolving the conflict is given to a third party. The third party might take the time to hear both sides, or might not have the time or patience to do so. He or she makes a judgment, and the case is closed.

Most children who “lose” in this situation will submit to this decision, shrug it off, and go about their day. If they don’t, they know they will probably be punished in some way, and will then feel “twice punished.” End result? One of the children leaves the interaction without feeling heard, valued, or respected.

Naturally, as children grow up, they take this experience with them. As we mature, though, the stakes are often higher and we have conflicts with lasting effects. (more…)

“as-sume” — v., to take as granted or true; to suppose

Recently, I’ve had a number of conversations revolving around assumptions. It got me wondering, “When and why do we assume, and what are the consequences of doing so?”

I conducted some informal research, and the results were clear:

• We all do it.
• Most of us are not aware that we’re doing it.
• We are blind to the long-term consequences until it’s too late.

So what exactly constitutes an assumption? Generally speaking, it is when a person reacts to something without knowing “the full picture.” This could be a judgment made without “the facts,” or a conclusion drawn without substantiation.

Why should you invest your time thinking about this topic? Because I guarantee that you, too, are a perpetrator. (more…)