At first glance, he seems bright and engaging. As you talk, however, it becomes clear he represents values counter to what you stand for. You know him to be charming and intelligent – the kind of person who carefully considers his viewpoints, but what you’re hearing simply makes no sense. How do you react?

It’s all too easy to slip into an “other-izing” mindset, to begin down the path of “us-vs-them” thinking. But aren’t the vast majority of people “doing the best they can with what they know?” If so, it stands to reason that this person, must have valid reasons for his position. And if that’s true, doesn’t it mean that we, even as we’re gearing up to judge what we’re seeing, must not know the whole story?

In this talk from TEDWomen 2010, Elizabeth Lesser takes on the pervasive “Us vs. Them” mindset, outlining its grave and global consequences, when left unchallenged. As a potential solution, she introduces a grassroots initiative, “Take the Other to Lunch.”

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

~Frank Outlaw

So, who are you inviting to lunch?

In contrast to last month’s discussion of boundaries, we devote this issue to “saying yes.”

People say “a man’s best wealth is his health.” And while I won’t disagree, I’d also offer that our most powerful “currency” lies in our word. In other words, when we say we’ll do something, we’ve given our word – and to break that promise is to compromise our integrity. And without our integrity, not only do we teach others we can’t be trusted, we’re simultaneously teaching ourselves the very same lesson. Once we turn that corner, it’s a short leap into disillusionment about what’s possible for us and what’s not.

In the piece below, which I’ve printed in its entirety, fellow coach and current Chicago Coach Federation president Kam Gupta makes a persuasive case that the simple phrase “I promise” represents one of our most precious possessions: our word.

I cannot give you a formula for success. But I can give you
the formula for failure. Try to please everybody.

~ Herbert Swope

Since trying to please everyone is a sure-fire recipe for disaster, what’s the secret to managing all those demands on your time?

One word: “No.”

Blogger, Leo Babauta, offers 10 quick tips for mastering the word “No” in this LifeHack post.

Kindness in words creates confidence.
Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.
Kindness in giving creates love.

~Lao Tzu

February: the month of love. But how often do you take Cupid’s “Love Thyself” arrow to heart?

There’s certainly nothing wrong with demonstrating your love for others on Valentine’s Day. But if we don’t focus on giving love to ourselves as well, we may find it more difficult to love others. Worse, this neglect of self can lead to regrets.

Love yourself enough to envision what you might regret not having said or done, if you were at the end of your life. Start from the end, and work backward. From this perspective, what would you change now?

For more on this topic, check out Bronnie Ware’s thought provoking article, Regrets of the Dying, which discusses the top five regrets she heard from her patients while working in palliative care.

A New Format for a New Year

As we create each issue of Sound Living, we always strive to meet and respond to our readers’ needs, even as they change over time. Though we continue to receive positive feedback from this newsletter, we want you to know we hear your desire for content to be delivered in “smaller installments.”

So, beginning this month, you’ll see a change in how we cover issues, concepts, skills and debates in leadership and relationships. Each issue will focus on a single actionable idea, concept, initiative or tip designed to help you move your personal and professional life forward.

Of course, we want to continue to produce the content you find most helpful, and also to present it in the ways you find most useful and convenient. Please feel free to chime in with your feedback, either by leaving a comment below or through our contact form. We always love to hear from you, whether it’s constructive criticism or enthusiastic support!

Reduced Stress Through … Planning?

Either you run the day or the day runs you.

~Jim Rohn

Happy New Year! Is this the year you finally make your resolutions a reality?

Many of us have good intentions when the calendar rolls over. And just as often, many of us are clear on what changes we want to make. But if we’re overwhelmed or just plain over-stressed from the get-go, we don’t have a shot at realizing those goals, no matter how much clarity we have.

Marina Watson Pelaez offers some great suggestions to help prevent the derailing of our “best laid plans” in this article on Time.com.

The holidays are quickly approaching! For some, this month gives cause to celebrate; for others, December feels like a time to hide. It’s easy to see why: expectations ride high and deadlines are tight. If you’re not careful, it’s a recipe for overwhelm.

How can we sidestep the urge to hibernate for the month of December? Often, it boils down to one’s ability to say “no.” Most women, for example, have been trained to be “people pleasers.” Although there are wonderful intentions behind this, it often comes down to feeling uncomfortable with the possibility of upsetting someone. And I think we can all agree that operating from this kind of fear isn’t an ideal way to make a decision.

Turning Things Around

Before we can turn the behavior around, we need to turn the belief around. For example, let’s say you’ve received an invitation you’d prefer to decline. It’s tempting to think the host will feel rejected when you turn down his invitation. But what if you chose the perspective that you’re just passing on this particular opportunity? Not forever – just this time. Would this change how you feel about “taking a pass?” You might find it leaves you able to say “no” when it makes sense, minus the dread. If you manage your emotions effectively and decline respectfully, the host is likely to receive it the way you intended and assume you’re passing on the function – not them personally.

But what if the host won’t let it go? What if they insist you change your mind or ask what you’re doing that makes you unavailable? Well, then it’s time for “Assertiveness 101.” Here are three fundamental techniques that allow you to graciously hold your ground:

1. Broken Record – repeat your position as many times as necessary, simply and respectfully. You can paraphrase, change the emphasis or vary the tone, but essentially, keep sending the same message over and over, no matter the response. Also, avoid engaging “why” questions.
2. Toddler Talk – remember when you were little and you’d say “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,” over and over until you got her attention? Then she’d say something like, “Honey, Mommy’s busy right now; so either go get Daddy to help you or wait until I’m off the phone.” Believe it or not, this kind of response works equally well with adults (as long as it’s delivered respectfully): offer a couple alternatives you can get behind. If the other party persists, be a Broken Record.
3. “I Feel/I Want” Statements – name what’s happening in a healthy way by conveying what you feel and want, rather than pointing a finger. So, instead of “You’re a louse for forcing me to go to your work party,” try “I feel pressed when you tell me I need to go to your work party, and I want a little more time to think about whether I can swing it.” Notice the first version is accusatory and puts the other person on the defensive, while the second simply names how the other person’s choices impact you, in a constructive and courteous way.

As they say, “There’s no time like the present” to hone your assertiveness skills. So, the next time you’re tempted to pull the covers over your head rather than leap into December’s festivities, take one of these techniques for a spin. Before you know it, you’ll have successfully navigated another holiday season and be ready to launch into January with your newfound assertiveness!

November: a time of fallen leaves and sometimes, equally fallen pumpkin soufflé. Whether it’s a ruined turkey, unexpected guests or recurring family issues, we can all admit Thanksgiving provides numerous opportunities for tension and upset. While there isn’t much we can do to prevent these little “surprises,” there’s a whole lot we can do to make sure they don’t emotionally hijack us or our holiday.

No matter how much you plan and prepare, there will be moments when the unexpected comes to pass. But it’s not what happens that determines whether a holiday event succeeds or sours. It’s not even how you react that’s crucial; rather, it’s how you respond that determines whether the day is salvaged.

So, if you discover after 4 hours of “cooking” the turkey, that you forgot to turn on the oven, do you wail or work on “Plan B?” Or when Aunt Mildred unexpectedly shows up to dinner with her entire bridge group in tow, do you work it out or work her over? In every scenario, you have options. And depending on your ability to see beyond the “black or white” of a situation, you’ll either scare up your natural resourcefulness or you’ll just plain scare your guests!

“Tears are the best indication of where our work is.”
~ Carl Jung

Whether you get angry, upset or frustrated, what surfaces under duress is there to help you understand what parts of your life need attention. At times like this, it’s crucial to remember that we always have choices and that all isn’t lost, unless we give up.

So, when the unexpected lands at your family gathering, remember that you’re naturally creative, resourceful and whole. Let this confidence give you a nudge to select a more empowering perspective. Brainstorm some options. Choose one that suits you and your situation.

Getting eleven dishes, simultaneously hot, onto the holiday table can be enough to inspire tears and consternation – there’s no need to submit to defensiveness, denial or destructiveness all the while. Remember that we’ve already got what it takes to come up with a productive solution that preserves harmony and sanity alike. And that’s something for which I give great thanks.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
~Socrates

Got your attention, didn’t I? Rest assured, I won’t stoop to further cheap Halloween references for the remainder of this issue. Much. But behind the spellbinding title lies an honest-to-goodness debate: “Habit vs. Choice” (which, I’ll admit, doesn’t sound nearly as spellbinding).

As a rule, human beings love habit and loathe change. And habits aren’t necessarily a bad thing – they’re one of the ways we make sense of the world. However, we stumble into trouble if we don’t regularly examine whether we’re still benefiting from them. When that kind of trouble materializes, we’re likely to fall prey to what I’ll call The Zombie Groove.

What’s that, you say?

In short, it’s about unconscious living. It happens when we walk through life on autopilot, blindly going about our daily grind. In this state, we’re unaware that we’re making choices, even when our choice is NOT to choose. And while we’ve all “phoned it in” at one time or another, some of us allow The Zombie Groove to work its black magic, unimpeded, to the point where it permeates our lives. All too often, this comes at a ghastly cost: deadening of the spirit and loss of life potential.

How to escape “Zombification?” By cutting your own groove! Read the rest of this entry »